Disclaimers: Don't own them; Paramount does. This story depicts a loving relationship between two women (although nothing graphic).
Code: T/7.
Rating: PG13
Archiving: Please ask first
Constructive feedback welcome.
Any feedback or other comments should be sent to letterx@webtv.net
Notes: Sorry Rachel but after reading your last two updates I just had to do it. Story created and borrowed from Ralst. See her for possible disclaimers. This was all done in 'cheeky' fun. Again, I'd like to state that Appreciating Paris belongs to Ralst and the characters are real people so they don't belong to me. No rights were meant to be infringed upon nor anyone offended. If either occurs please accept my humblest apologies and reconsider suing as I have no money. If I did I wouldn't need to disclaim because I would own everything. :) So have I fulfilled my babbling requirement? Now onto the show.
VJB spoof warning ....
21 Mar 2001
Chapter 12 1/4
Grumbling could be heard coming from the end of the corridor.
"I can't believe he did it to us again. Yet another useless training session."
"Yeah, and I even hurt my hand when he unwittingly ducked my punch. How in the hell to you have to tie your boots which have no shoe laces?"
"Maybe all that extra technical description he had to give us on piloting the Delta Flyer made him light headed. Lord knows, he probably used up the last few brain cells he has left."
"Shh, someone's coming."
"It's only Crewman X. She's cool. I once over heard her talking about jettisoning Paris's body from an airlock after he tried to grope her in a jeffries tube. But this was no idle threat mind you. She probably would have done it too if Paris actually touched her but he never got close enough to lay a finger on her. One swift kick and somehow the ceiling of the jeffries tube managed to come crashing down on him."
Snickers make there way along the group of four conspirators.
"And I bet you, he was so embarrassed that he 'missed' he never reported the incident. Did he?"
"Nope."
"So what. So she says she would have thrown Paris out of an airlock but could she have actually gone through with it?"
"You have no idea as to who she is, do you? Well, let's just say that the maquis didn't pick her up for her great sociable personality. Before the maquis were pursued by Voyager they were actually flying towards DS4 in which I heard an assassination was to take place. When I tried to confirm my suspicions about who the assassin was I couldn't access her file, unless of course I were the Captain."
"Come on, do you expect us to believe that Crewman X was an assassin for hire?"
"Okay, do you really think that X could be her last name? And why is it that she has no background in any of the Federation of Planet's databases? And why, if she's such a skilled tactical officer is she still a Crewman and not a Lt. like her skill and training suggest she should be?"
"Well, there's only one real way for us to find out isn't there?"
"Yeah! Let's do it."
"Agreed."
"Oh, what joy!"
The four officers walked over to a panel on the wall in which Crewman X seemed to be busy repairing.
"Crewman X."
"Yes, sir?" X turned to the guy who seemed to be the leader of the group. 'I think his name's Portman.'
"We were just discussing a 'friend' of your's and thought you might want to be included in on the conversation. You know, Lt. Tom Paris."
"Paris Is Not A Friend." Gee, could I possibly say that with any more venom. :) Oh my teeth hurt now.
"Well, what we were discussing really would not be considered a friendly thing to do."
"Please, continue."
"Well, we heard these things about you and......"
"Where the hell is she? First she sends me an apology for that jeffries tube 'accident' which happened quite a while back and then she tells me she wants to make it up to me and then states that she wants to meet in the holodeck. But yet, 'she's not here." Just then the holodeck doors swish open and in walks Crewman X.
"Lt. Paris I'm so glad you could make it and I'm sorry I'm late but I wanted to make a few slight adjustments to the holodeck controls."
"Fine, fine whatever. Look. I am no longer interested in you but if you would like to get together we could arrange something. Just not this week as I have planning to do." 'Got to figure out the best way to propose to an ex-drone making it so that Lanna gets the maximum dose of jealousy.'
"Oh, don't worry this won't take long. I just wanted to show you one of my favorite 20th century items. I know you have an affinity for liking anything that came from that time period. Computer, one rocket launcher please."
And with that command, one rocket launcher appeared in the hands of the Crewman.
"You see, it's an old Earth weapon. You hold it like this and rest it on your right shoulder like this. Then you aim it at your target like this. See this button here? You press it in order to fire the weapon, like......"
"Crewman, belay that firing." The Captain ordered with the sternest of tones. "Tom, you're dismissed."
"Um, aye, Captain."
"Captain? What seems to be the problem. I was only showing the Lt. something I'd thought he'd be interested in."
"With the safeties off-line?"
"Captain! I had no idea. I wouldn't have bee inclined to demonstrate shooting the weapon had I'd known the safeties were off-line."
"You can cut the bullshit, Crewman. Ensign Rachel happened to have heard you speaking of your little plan to 'cap' Paris off and reported it directly to me. That's when I beamed directly into the holodeck, to prevent a murder from occurring. Now since there seems to be a enormous lack of evidence proving that this was intentional foul play, I cannot lock you away in the brig nor can I press charges. Since you are an excellent tactical officer and since I doubt Tom has any idea of that which was about to take place here, I will let you off with an extremely stern warning. If this EVER happens again, I will not hesitate to leave you off at the next inhabitable planet. Is that understood?"
"Yes, Captain. But you have to catch me first." "What was that last part?"
"I just said, That, um, my brain must have burst."
"Excuse me?"
"Meaning, I don't know what came over me, I guess I just lost it. I think I should stop reading this story I'm reading called Appreciating Paris. It's got me thinking weird bad things."
"You do that, Crewman. Now if you'll excuse me, I think Tuvok has unwittingly allowed an intruder named Wyld to board our ship."
And so the Captain left the holodeck on her way to track down a phaser wielding man named Wyld, also thanks to some timely information passed down from this Ensign Rachel. Speaking of Rachel....
"Computer, locate Ensign Rachel."
The End!
This is what happens when you build Tom up to be such a bad man then do nothing to punish him. I take things into my own hands. No rights were intentionally infringed upon, this was just meant in fun. And fun it was.
X
Chapter 12 2/7
"Computer, locate Ensign Rachel." Crewman X stated as she calmly walked out of the holodeck. 'Nobody thwarts my plans for Paris.' "Ensign Rachel is in turbolift 3."
"Figures. Computer, what is her destination?"
"The turbolift is stationary."
"What the... She's at it again. Computer, what is the location of turbolift 3?"
"Turbolift 3 is located between decks 8 and 9."
"Well, then, if you can't make the turbolift come to you, you go to the turbolift." And with 'that' thought in mind, Crewman X began to make her way towards deck 9. But suddenly her progress was stopped when she bumped into a man. A man whom she had never seen before. "Who are you?"
"Well, now that's just being rude. 'You' bump into me and then ask who I am without one utterance of an apology? I'm Wyld. And who might I ask are you?"
"Oh, so you're the man wielding the phaser that the Captain was hunting down. I'm Crewman X by the way. And why are you roaming Voyager carrying a phaser? I won't even ask how you got on board."
"Well, isn't it obvious. The phaser does have Paris's name on it. See?"
"Oh cool. Can I have one?"
"No."
"Well, fine."
"I'm here to finally put an end to torturous chapter updates in which Paris becomes more and more annoying. I'm gonna kill the p'tach."
"Oh, you speak Klingon?"
"No but I have heard B'Elanna use that word a lot when referring to Paris."
"So wait. If I'm going to kill Paris and you're going to kill Paris, then maybe we should team up?"
"Sounds like a plan."
"Great, first I just need to go and kill this Ensign Rachel person and then we can......"
"Kill Rachel? We can't."
"And why not? She cost me my 'shot' at Paris by sicking the Captain on me. And trust me, those force ten glares can be quite ugly looking up close and personal. You got the eyes bugging out, the mouth foaming at the sides, coffee stained teeth being bared,....."
"Please, I get the picture, no more. Anyway, we can't kill Rachel cause she's some how in on it with Ralst. With out Rachel we may never get an update to Perchance to Feel or the end of AP or even another turbolift story, and I kinda like those. So no killing Rachel. But Paris is a go."
"Fine. Let's go kill Paris." 'Maybe I should have named this Killing Paris :)'
The two would-be assassins walked down the corridor together until they came upon this woman who seemed to be talking to the air.
"Crewman Kathryn? (no not the Captain but the other one) Who were you talking to?"
"Oh, Crewman X. No one. Why?"
"Just wondering, that's all." 'Maybe Ralst would be happy to lend Kathryn her straight jacket.'
"So, where are you two headed off?"
"Oh, we're just going to go kill Paris. Nothing big."
"Wyld, that's suppose to be hush hush. We don't know who we can trust, remember. Rachel seems to have eyes and ears everywhere."
"Oh."
"Wait, can I come too? I hate him too, you know. His head's way too big and he's even a worse speller then me." Shivers run down everyone's spines.
"Okay fine. You can be our look out gal. We might need one."
"You mean, you don't have a plan yet?"
"Well, first Wyld had to give up his chainsaw as it ran out of gas. Then my pellet gun got jammed up, I tried to shoot too many pellets at one time. And then Wyld's phaser, although he still has it, might alert the 'authorities' to our location and plan. I tried using my rocket launcher again but it seems Janeway put a lock out on my security clearance to the holodeck. Oh wait, I was just emailed some security codes for airlock 31 on deck four along with a Borg encryption code to block any possible tracing Tuvok might do in order to prove that Paris's murder was anything more then an accident. HW sent it over this morning."
"But how are we suppose to lure him to deck four? I mean you already have done the whole luring thing already. Will he fall for it a second time?"
"Yes." "Yes."
"But maybe you're right Kathryn, I did do the luring thing already so maybe we should just kill him first and then use the codes to dispose of the body in space."
"Sounds good, but how shall we kill him?"
"Aren't there surgical tools the Doc leaves out in sickbay. Perhaps we can play hospital?"
"Yeah, and I heard that Paris has a tutoring session with the Doc later. Perfect opportunity."
"Yeah, let's go."
The three co-conspirators walked into sickbay together and immediately spotted Lt. Paris bent over some pad while the Doc worked on his filing (nails that is) in his office.
"Okay Kathryn, you're good at rambling on about nothing, so go chat it up with the Doc. We need him very distracted."
"Right. I'm on it."
"Okay, Wyld, now you get behind Paris and catch him when he falls."
"Aww, do I have to touch him?"
"Yes, now go."
"Hey, Tom, I've been meaning to ask you, what is the coefficient of the mixture rate of the anti matter and matter in the warp core when Voyager is being flown at a speed of warp 2.8 and there is an influx of neutrino particles flowing in at a rate 9 particles per 10th of a second?"
"I, ugh..." Tom's hand flew to his head as the pain from thinking became too unbearable and he was soon unconscious laying in Wyld's arms.
"Now get him up on the table. No need to strap him down, he won't be waking up anytime soon. Now, let's really see if there are 2001 body parts like Leaver says there are. You keep count, Wyld."
sorry, this scene is too graphic to show to our reading audience, but feel free to use your imaginations
"Wow, look at all those body parts just floating away from each other."
"Yes Kathryn, it is a beautiful site, isn't it?"
"Hey, X, I guess Leaver was wrong, I only counted 2000 body parts."
"Actually, if he had a brain, I'm sure that would have counted as the last body part so there really are 2001 body parts."
"Right."
"So now what?"
"Well, I have to go and email HW back to let him know those codes really worked and came in handy but I can do that later. What do you say we go and see if Rachel's still stuck in that turbolift?"
"Sounds like a plan."
"Definitely."
"If we can't kill her, then perhaps a little torture?"
"Definitely."
"Sounds like a plan."
The End :)
Hope everyone liked my little bit of craziness. To those who I mentioned in the story I hope that I have not offended anyone. If I did, it was not intentional and only meant in cheeky fun. Stay tuned to see what happens during the aftermath of Paris's death.
X
Chapter 12 3/2
"Kathryn, would you please stop pulling on my arm. I'm coming."
"Well hurry up, X. You gotta see this."
"What would be so damn special in a shuttle bay that you would consider pulling me away from placing that tamper proof algorithm on all of the turbolift systems. It took poor HW a day and a half to finally locate the turbolift algorithms after he couldn't find the transporter ones."
"This is what's so important."
The doors to the shuttle bay swish open and both X and Kathryn stand there dumbfounded.
"I swear there weren't this many people here before. It's like they just doubled."
"Who are they all?"
"Some are Paris-haters while others are Paris-wannabe-killers."
"But don't they know that I've already killed Paris? What more do they want?"
"Obviously they want a piece of the action. They want to hurt or even kill Paris all over again."
"And then that brings us to my previous question. I've already killed Paris, so how do they think they're going to get to kill him again?"
"For some odd reason, they think you can bring him back to kill him all over again and again and again...."
"Okay, okay, I get the picture. You need to start talking to yourself again and leave me out of it. So now what?"
"So now you bring Paris back from the dead."
"Oh, sure no problem. I'll just call on my godly powers or maybe I can phone Q and ask if he can do me a favor since we're so tight and all."
"Well, maybe then they would just be satisfied by going after say Ensign Rachel or maybe that new chick Crewman Xakana. She seems to be sympathetic to the Paris cause."
"Hm perhaps."
X turns to all those now present in the shuttle bay.
"Good afternoon all. I'm so glad that you could make it. But there has been a change of plan, Paris seems to be unavailable today to be killed so I thought I might suggest we have some fun with two Paris sympathizers, Ensign Rachel and Crewman Xakana as well as Crewman Anaglyph who I've heard wants to try and save Paris from his inevitable fate. We must show them that Paris WILL get what is coming to him and that no one can stand in our way."
all screaming "To the neighbors."
The entire mob who look more like a band of barbarians with their Klingon armor, swords, knives, batleths, and painsticks swinging wildly in the air rush past X and Kathryn and out into the corridor.
Crewman X whistles as loudly as she can, which isn't loud at all, but she still manages to gain the attention of the mildly confused looking crowd.
"Where do you think you are all going?"
Each person of the mob ends up pointing in a different direction. (which is a great feat indeed considering that in the corridor there are only two directions to go)
"That's what I thought. Now get back in here. Kathryn go find me Wyld and bring him here for me. We need to plan. Try checking engineering first. I heard a security officer saying that somehow engineering was evacuated this morning and there was a slight power drain on the matter/anti-matter mixture. If not, check the cargo bay as I saw him earlier talking with Seven."
"Right."
Kathryn leaves to track down Wyld while the mob slowly and dejectedly make their way back into the shuttle bay.
"Now, who pray tell is responsible for arming this mob?"
"Um, that would be me."
"And you are?
"Crewman Tyler, ma'am. Or you could just call me Unseen."
"Great, now Crewman Unseen. Could you possibly make all of these weapons Unseen. It would not be a good idea to have a mob marching around on Voyager loaded to the max with deadly weapons."
"Um, actually I might have a way to help disguise our transport as well as all of these weapons. You see I was just being creative one day and sorta came up with these transporter armbands. They can make a person's transport so that we won't be seen walking around the ship. And if we aren't seen walking around the ship then no one will see the weapons either."
"Genius. Unseen, pure genius. But do you really think we need all of these weapons to torture three people?"
"Yeah, I guess you're right. I'll go collect the weapons and leave them in cargo bay 2 along with a note."
"Wait, why leave them there and what's the note for?"
"Well, the note is to explain to Seven who left the weapons there and possible uses for them. Besides her using them to kill Paris, which would be my first suggestion, she could also use them as socking stuffers or birthday gifts or maybe as her wedding gift to her wife. I'm sure Lanna would love to receive these as gifts no matter what occasion it is."
"Sounds good to me."
"X, X, hey X. We have a problem."
"What is it Kathryn and nice appendage Wyld. Can I get one?"
"No."
"Anyway, as 'I' was saying. WE HAVE A PROBLEM."
"Oh boy, we have a problem. I can't hear now."
"Argh! Not that problem. Ensign Rachel's coming."
Everyone begins to panic and looks for a place to hide. X looks over to what's left of the Delta Flyer and makes out what appear to be chainsaw marks.
"Well, guess we can't hide in there."
"Sorry, I had to test out my new appendage somehow."
"No no, Argh! Maybe I should just keep talking to myself. Rachel isn't coming here, at least not yet. But she is out and about roaming the ship. She's looking for Paris. Apparently Ralst needs him again for chapter 13 of AP. And she's armed. She already shot Crewman Blue with a phaser because he tried to slow her down in a turbolift. He tried to press a button in order to make the lift fall about ten decks but somehow she ended up behind him and shot him. I think it was really Ralst who shot him but the rumor is Rachel did."
"Damn. And Blue was such a good guy. So now what. How are we suppose to bring Tommy back for Ralst to finish her story. He's cut up in a thousand pieces."
"Actually, that's two thousand but what we need is time."
"You're right Wyld. Crewman Kelly." Wow that actually sounds like a real crewman's name unlike X or Unseen, etc.
"Yes, ma'am."
"You're my beta reader, therefore I trust you implicitly. I need you to organize everyone here so that they can all buy us some time before Rachel catches up to us. Can you do that?"
"Sure no problem. Especially since I don't have anything from Changes of the Heart to beta read I'm totally free. hint hint"
"Great, now Wyld, Kathryn, and I will go see what we can do about bringing Tom back from the dead."
Kelly gathered together the mob, quickly explained the situation and then sent them all off in different directions to distract Rachel, Xakana, and Anaglyph from finding out the truth of the matter.
"So I take it you have a plan?"
"Well, Wyld, we may not be able to bring Tom back from the dead but how about creating a new one?"
"You mean like a hologram?"
"No Kathryn, I mean a hologram. This way we can reprogram him to be a nicer Tom. Instead of the evil, big headed, egotistical man that he was."
"Yeah."
"But one question X. If we make him into a hologram then that means he won't be able or leave the holodeck or sickbay for that matter. How are we suppose to fool anyone like that?"
"Good point. Hmm."
"What we need is the Doc's holo-emitter but we can't use his as the Doc might miss it. We need another one."
"That's it. I have an idea. To the deflector array."
"Uh, isn't that outside?"
"Oh right, well I need to get to it's controls then. Is there a deflector array room or something?"
"I don't know. I never could get my hands on a complete set of Voyager blueprints only the Enterprise blueprints. But we don't have time to wait for them to be printed after the show is off the air."
"Well then, as Unseen had once told me, guess we'll have to make it up as we go along."
The trio step into the turbolift.
"Deck 27."
"Unable to comply."
"Why not?"
"Ensign Rachel is working on another turbolift story. This turbolift has been designated as the one to malfunction. Please exit the lift before Lt. Torres and Seven of Nine enter."
"Damn computers."
"I heard that." Turbolift door hits X's butt on her way out.
"Oh, just you wait computer. You're next on my list. Okay so now how do we get to that um room?"
"Well, you did say make it up as you go along. How about we conveniently have it located on this deck?"
"Good idea. To the bat cave. Uh, sorry wrong story. :)"
The trio now enter into the cavernous room with one conveniently located main terminal.
"So what's you plan X?"
"It's quite elementary my dear Watson. Damn, wrong story again, sorry. Since we need a new mobile emitter I thought I'd get one."
"From where? I mean it's not like you can just create one. If it was that easy then it would have been done before."
"I'm not going to create one, someone else is. Who created the first one?"
"Uh, is this a trick question?"
"No Kathryn."
"It was that guy in the 29th century, wasn't it?"
"Nope, it was those good old writers at Paramount. Apparently they do have a few good ideas every once in a while."
"So, you're going to ask them to just create another one?"
"No, not them, they wouldn't do it. But another great writer should."
"Who and how are you going to contact them?"
"By modifying the deflector array, I should be able to send out an email asking for a second emitter to be written in. And I'm going to email Lisa Countryman. If she can't do it no one can. why do I feel like cheering that last part instead of just saying it?"
Meanwhile.......
"Captain, take a look at this."
"What is it Chakotay?"
"I was just going over the crew compliment and there seems to be a problem."
"Like what?"
"Like in the crew manifest we have listed that we have a crew of 146 but when the computer just completed it's scan of the ship it showed life signs for 159 people. Did I miss something?"
"Computer intruder alert. Tuvok?"
"I assure you captain, I only allowed one person to board Voyager."
"Indeed. Computer, locate Ensign Tom Paris."
"Ensign Tom Paris is in holodeck 2."
"Captain to Ensign Rachel."
"Rachel here Captain."
"Met me down in holodeck two and bring along your friends."
"Understood."
"Janeway out. Seven, you're with me."
"Yes Captain."
The Captain along with Rachel, Xakana, and Anaglyph all walk into an extremely crowded holodeck 2.
"Alright, where's Ensign Paris?"
"Right here ma'am."
"Tom, you're dismissed."
"Um, yes ma'am." 'Why does she keep doing that to me?'
"Okay, ladies and gentleman. I want you off my ship and off it now. That includes you Rachel. You all have caused enough trouble. Now be gone with you."
Each of the person's disappeared in a slight hum. At least Janeway thought it was a hum but it was rather a promise; 'I'll be back'.
And soon only X was left staring Janeway down.
"I didn't do anything wrong. And as far as you know my records of being on this ship for the past 7 years has been flawlessly faked. You can't throw me off."
"Oh, but that's where you're wrong X. I don't want you to leave. You see, I've been reading this story called Command Changes and it has me dating Seven. I was thinking that maybe we could continue to work on that, perhaps going a little farther with that idea in Changes of the Heart, while you stay aboard Voyager."
"Sounds like a plan Captain. Yeah right."
"What was that last part?"
"I said you're right."
"Oh about what?"
"Me being wrong." 'I am a troublemaker.'
"Good. Now that that's settled, let's go see about getting you some quarters."
"Right behind you Captain."
X follows the Captain out of the doors to the holodeck all the while stuffing a 9mm gun in the back of her pants.
Conversation between letterx and Ralst.
R: So Paris is alive?
X: Yes, but it's not really him but rather an improved holographic Paris. We hid his mobile emitter where no one will be sure to look, not even Lanna.
R: And Lisa came through for you?
X: Yep she hates Paris too. Take into account the Paris of She Who Hesitates. When I explained our predicament and then that by recreating a Paris hologram we could kill him over and over again. So you have you're Paris back and then we can kill him when you're done with him. And then if anyone wants to create a good Paris all they have to do is modify his program. That should make Xakana happy.
R: It should. But what about Ensign Rachel?
X: Oh Janeway said she never wants to see her again so it would be better if she stays off of Voyager.
R: But why? I helped her out.
X: Well, it seems that when you 'helped' Janeway out by saving Paris's life you made a half-Klingon and ex-borg VERY angry.
R: Oh.
X: Yeah well, it's getting late and this story has certainly gone past being a short story. So good night.
Fade to Black.