File 1,231,111,999 added on 14 Jan 2002
Disclaimers are in part 1.
Rating: NC17
Spoof of Honour (written to honour the marriage of two special VJB members)
"I hope that’s not my wedding present," said X, frowning as her bride-to-be walked through the door with a rather tarnished antique lamp in her hands.
"I found it amongst a pile of old junk," replied Arydwen, picking a cloth off the table and giving the lamp a good rub. "Might look good if only we could cle__"
Suddenly there was a bright flash of CGI special effects as from out of the lamp rocketed Q in a dirty Starfleet uniform. "GREAT GOD ALMIGHTY, or Great Myself I should say. I thought Q had a rough time imprisoned in that ice asteroid! Out of gratitude for freeing me I shall grant you insignificant puny mortals three wishes, whatever your heart most desires. I believe that’s how it goes, isn’t it?"
"We have everything we desire," smouldered X, giving her lover a Big Gooey Look that Janeway herself would have been proud of.
"Oh, I SEE!" smirked Q, giving the kind of leer that hadn’t been seen since the Original Series of Star Trek. "They don’t have THAT sort of thing on Starfleet vessels. Do you ladies mind if I…watch?"
Arydwen threw the lamp at his head.
"OWW!!" cried Q, glaring at them. "In revenge for that I shall grant your innermost desires whether you want me to or not!"
"What kind of revenge is that?" said Arydwen with a snort.
"You’ll see!" The omnipotent, omnipresent, obnoxious being snapped his fingers. X suddenly found herself lying naked in bed under satin sheets, in what bore a suspicious resemblance to the guest quarters on board the USS Voyager.
"Arydwen, where are you?" X whispered, her eyes nervously scanning the room. She heard a movement beside her. Fearfully X turned her head to the right and suddenly found herself looking into the deep blue eyes of a naked six-foot former Borg drone.
"Ensign X," said Seven of Nine. "I see the way your jaw drops and your eyes pop out when you look at my body. Do you wish to copulate?"
Just then the door hissed open and Arydwen rushed in. "Boobear! I think Q’s somehow transported us to VoyagAAAARRRGGGHHHH!!!!!" she screamed, seeing her beloved X in bed with Miss Delta Quadrant 2374. "Q, right now my innermost desire is to be transformed into a ferocious half-Klingon warrior!!!"
"No darling, I can explain!" cried X, as bold ridges appeared on Arydwen’s head, a Starfleet engineer’s uniform flashed into existence on her body, and an enormous bat’leth materialised in her hands.
"YOU CHEATING PETAQ!" roared Arydwen, bringing down the bat’leth. X leaped out of bed just in time to avoid becoming a lot shorter than she already was and dived into the nearest closet.
Q stuck his head out of thin air to witness X frantically rummaging through the shelves of the walk-in closet while her dearly beloved was trying to hack her way in from the outside. "What are you doing?"
"I’m looking for a packet of instant shuttlecraft! They must keep them somewhere! I’ve got to emigrate to the Beta Quadrant immediately!"
"You’ve still got one wish left," said Q, admiring himself in a mirror.
"I wish everything was back to normal!" shouted X, as the door shuddered once more under Arydwen’s assault.
"Sorry," said Q. "That would mean I’d go back into the lamp. Think of something else."
"All right!" yelled X. "Here it is, the one thing I desire above all else…"
Arydwen was raising her sword of honour (that’s honour with a U, Kathryn!) for a final blow when the closet door opened and X calmly stepped out. Her only reaction to the sight of the raised bat’leth was to raise her own implant-surmounted eyebrow. Arydwen blinked in surprise. X had gained a foot in height and quite a few inches around the bustline, as her tight biosuit clearly showed.
"Do you think dressing up like that Borg petaQ will save you?" Arydwen growled, furrowing her cute forehead ridges.
"I am not ‘dressed up’," replied X in an arrogant tone. "I now have numerous cybernetic implants including a cortical processor with the assimilated sexual knowledge of one billion species, an exoskeleton with multiple built-in vibrators, and a Borg-enhanced tongue with a stroke rate of 10,000 licks per second. This is my innermost desire, to have B’Elanna and Seven end up in each other’s arms."
"Well in that case my bangwI’," roared Arydwen of the House of Bang, dropping the bat’leth and throwing X onto the bed in real Klingon style. "I guess I’ll JachchoHmeH 'Iwraj penaghtaH! (mate till your blood screams!)."
They were just in the middle of doing something that would make a Paramount censor faint clean away when the walls around them disappeared, carried off by numerous men in shirtsleeves. Two men in suits entered the now open-air bedroom.
"OK Brannon," one of them was saying. "Remember, as soon as the ratings for this new Enterprise show start going down, have T’Pol go into her pon farr, preferably while wrestling with an enormous jelly creature."
"Sure thing Rick," answered Brannon Braga. He stopped and gaped at the two women on the bed. "Jeri, Roxann! I didn’t know you were into that sort of thing. Can I watch?"
"All right you two!" said Rick Berman angrily. "I’ve told you before, we don’t have any of that homosexual stuff on Star Trek. It’s a family show! Remember the PG Directive."
"PG is irrelevant," said X, snapping her fingers. The two executive producers instantly changed sex.
"AAARRGGGHHH!!!!!" cried Braga and Berman. Not only had they changed into women, but as they still preferred girls they’d become lesbians as well!
"I guess we’ll see some changes around here now," said Arydwen with a big grin. "Why don’t you start with something ‘family-oriented’, say a T’Pol/Sato decontamination scene? Or Captain Archer walking around in a catsuit?"
"Wait a minute!" protested Q, as he materialised in a bright flash of ego. "How were you able to change their sex? I didn’t give you those powers!"
"No," smirked X. "But Odon did."
THE END.