Disclaimer: I don't own anything but the story. Please don't sue me, the only really valuable thing I own is my computer and it was a gift! Plus, it's only got 1.66Mhz and 32 meg RAM! And it's my prize possession! You wouldn't want to take that away, now would you??! I KNOW for sure that I can credit Paramount and the band, Creed with owning parts of this, is that enough? I assume so :o)
Code: T/7.
Rating: PG13
Archiving: PM of course... anyone else just ask :o)
Feedback: PLEASE!!!!
Any feedback or other comments should be sent to xakana@yahoo.com
Description: Spoof and silliness abound. Yet more undesirables from VJB join the bridge of USS Voyager.
Okay, I do not mean to offend ANYONE with this piece, it's purely satirical and I'm sorry if I have any mischaracterizations. That said, on with the show.
Dedication: To everyone on this wonderful list :o) Authors notes: It was like 4 am when I started this. Need I say more??
Our story starts here ...
21 March 2001
extremely fast pan in to Voyager, accompanied by whooshing noise
"Commander, what is happening?"
"I don't know, Kathryn, but I suddenly feel dizzy."
shot of Voyager being fired upon by a Kazon vessel
"Kazon? What are they doing out here? I thought that we left their space four years ago!"
"I don't know Mr. Paris, but apparently, they're attacking us. Hail them."
"Hey! That's my job!"
"Sorry, Ensign Kim, go about it, then."
"They're not responding."
"Tuvok?"
"Yes captain?"
"Blow them out of the sky."
"Captain, may I point out to you--?"
"No, you may not. Now destroy them."
Tuvok does a little finger dance on his console and the other ship explodes in an expensive CGI display
"They are destroyed, captain."
"I can see that, Mr. Tuvok."
muttered quietly "Bitch."
"What was that, Tuvok?"
"Nothing, captain."
"Well, if that's all, I think I'm going to visit my wife."
all members of the bridge look at Tom as he stands
in unison "Good-bye, Tom."
"Sheesh, guys. You act like you're never going to see me again." Whistling, Tom heads into the turbolift
"Captain, it's not fair. He's my best friend, I should have been allowed to warn him."
"Do you want him to survive it, Ensign?"
"Isn't there another way?"
"You know what kind of story this is. Do you want B'Elanna to have to go through the pain of his cheating?"
"Isn't the pain of his death worse?" crickets chirp "You have a point."
"At least this way, she'll remember him with love."
"Good point, commander. Do you think she'll get over it fast enough?"
"I don't know, Kathryn. I'm sure she will. After all, we're doing this for Seven." all acquire dreamy looks as they think on their individual crushes with the ex-Borg
"Why don't any of us get to end up with her?"
"Wrong list, Ensign."
"Yes, Ma'am."
~~~
In the turbolift
singing "I feel like chicken tonight, like chicken to--" the lights in the lift go out and it plummets down the shaft, pinning Lt. Paris to the ceiling. Suddenly, the lift safeties override the malfunction and Paris bangs into the floor, shaken, not stirred "Oooooww....."
the lift doors open to reveal The Delaney Sisters
unison "Hi Tom."
"Do you want to come back to our quarters?"
"No, Jen! Can't you see the poor man is hurt? Oh, Tom, where does it hurt? Let me kiss it better."
"No! I'm a married man, go away! I'm on my way to see my wife!"
"No, Tom! You mustn't!"
"It would be so much better if you came with us!"
"Shoo!" Tom stalks past the sisters and they vanish, leaving a very annoyed writer in their place
"Damn it Tom, I'm trying to save your life." Tom is oblivious and doesn't hear her, writer vanishes
~~~
flash to Seven and B'Elanna in Engineering
"Lieutenant, I have something to tell you."
"Please, call me B'Elanna."
"B'Elanna, I wish to inform you that--"
"Stop! You can't tell me yet, I'm still married!"
"What about the turbolift 'accident'?"
"It failed."
"How do you know?"
"I just know. Now, may we continue our fight?"
"Let's."
fade from B'Elanna and Seven as they argue, fade in to Tom, who is once again, singing
"Oh, I wish I was a fishie in the sea (in the sea), I'd go swimmin' in the nudie, without a bathing suitie--" WHAM, a gel pack mysteriously smashes into Tom's face, exploding and covering him in the slimy mess inside. "Ewwwk..."
he takes a step forward and slips in the wet mess. He falls, head first into a recycling unit, accidentally hitting the 'recycle' switch as he flails. Realizing what he has done, he jerks out of the unit just as everything left inside dematerializes into ship's energy.
"That was close." Tom steps back, into the mess once again and falls into a conveniently open mess of electrical wires. He is electrocuted.
*AaaaAAAaaAAAaaaaaaAaAaAAAaaaaa..."
somehow, Tom manages to extricate himself and survives. Glaring at the mess on the floor, he chooses to continue his trek to visit B'Elanna by crawling, so he doesn't fall again. It is now that artificial gravity shifts to the end of the corridor, making the hall into a free fall at which Tom is at the wrong end.
"No! MUST--" Tom grabs an open doorway (damn, how'd that get there?) and stops his decent "VISIT--" All the loose items in the hall come flying down at him, trying to knock him loose, but he hangs on "B'ELANNA!" With the last word, the gravity fixes itself and Tom hits the deck.
"Well, Mr. Paris. It looks like you were trying to visit B'Elanna, weren't you?"
"It's great to see you, too, Doc. I need you to patch me up."
"Alright." As the EMH reaches for his medkit, he freezes and little lines appear in weird places along his body
"Doc?" Tom examines the EMH "Damnit! He froze! Where's the reset button?" *Tom looks at the mobile emitter, but cannot find it. "Computer, Command for the doctor, Control, Alt, Delete!"
"Unable to Comply."
"Why?"
"This program has performed an illegal operation in module KillTEP.EXE."
"Shut down program KillTEP."
"Unable to comply. Computer has caused an invalid page fault in KERNEL32.dll. A fatal exception has occurred. Please return computer to manufacturer or press the reset button in Engineering."
"Engineering! Of course! I have to get to B'Elanna." computer goes to red alert, Tom ignores
Flash to bridge
"Why are we at red alert?"
"It appears that a KillTEP.EXE has been sabotaged."
"By whom, Mr. Tuvok?"
"By a Virus, captain. XAKANA.HSH is the virus's name. A particularly vicious virus, I might add."
"Who would do such a thing?"
"I would, Commander!"
in unison "ENSIGN RACHEL!"
"Yes! As much as I hate Tom somedays, I just DON'T HAVE THE HEART to do so anymore! As such, I am shutting your program down!"
"Virus purged, captain."
"Damn."
Zoom to B'Elanna and Seven, standing outside B'Elanna's quarters
"Why can't we go in?"
"I don't know. Computer, why can't we enter my quarters?"
"Seven of Nine is not authorized to be in the Torres-Paris quarters."
"Damn, he's still alive."
"That's my husband you're talking about!"
"I am sorry, B'Elanna. But surely you understand, I just--"
B'Elanna covers her ears and begins singing loudly
"I feel angry, I feel helpless, wanna change the world, yeah! I feel violent, I feel alone, don't try to change my mind, no!"
"You have a beautiful voice, Lieutenant."
"Didn't I tell you to call me B'Elanna? Why are we at my quarters anyway?"
"I am not quite sure. Shall we resume fighting?"
"Let's."
Quack
"Ha! I have made it! I can see B'Elanna just down the hall. Now I just--" an airlock opens and Tom is blown cartoonishly out into space. A forcefield activates to prevent Seven or B'Elanna from being harmed by the vacuum, then the airlock closes
bridge
"Ding dong, Par-is is dead!"
"Which 'ris?"
"Tom Paris!"
"I do not see the logic in celebrating Tom Paris' death."
"Why not, Tuvok?"
"Because, commander. Next to Tom Paris, right now, the list... hates... you."
"Why?"
"Because you are going to be the next love interest of Seven of Nine. She is going to kiss you."
"That's a hologram."
"It does not make a difference. The point is, our ladies cannot be together while you remain alive to distract Seven."
"Tuvok, put that phaser down! Captain!"
in unison "Sorry commander."
Tuvok fires the phaser, vaporizing Chakotay, the turns it to Janeway
"Tuvok!"
"You must make up your mind as to which Janeway you are. The 'mother' Janeway or the one who loves either B'Elanna or Seven."
Force Ten Glare "I'm the mother Janeway, you idiot!" Tuvok fires the phaser
"Tuvok!"
"Calm down, Ensign Kim."
"But she was the good one."
"She was lying to save herself. She was the Janeway in love with ."
"How did you know?"
"You forget that she tells me everything. Whether I like it or not."
"So, I guess that means that you are the new captain."
everyone stands around uncomfortably
"That has never been discussed before, on this list, to my knowledge."
"Does that mean you can't be captain?"
"Unfilled positions aboard a starship are like a vacuum. And nature abhors a vacuum. Therefore, we must have a captain."
"What about Seven?"
"She's too angsty as a captain, and this story requires a happy ending."
"B'Elanna?" crickets chirp, then every bursts out laughing, including Tuvok, which causes him to have a heart attack "Guess that makes gulp me the captain?"
Uniforms fly from the remaining crewmembers on the bridge, being replaced by command red on now-Captain Harry Kim and now-Commander Rachel
"Nifty."
"I like the colour."
"Don't you mean color?"
Force Ten Glare "I said colour, and I mean colour, understand?" rank pips pop off Harry's collar onto now-Captain Rachel's "I didn't want to be captain! No! I can't!"
"You got the glare right."
"What about all the other crewmen on the bridge? Magenter, X, Wyld and Tyler?"
"They're psycho-killers. Besides, they have another fic that they have to take care of."
"You can't make me, I'm a writer." collective gasp "That's right! I can be wherever I want!" writes herself to become the wall in what is now the Torres-Hansen quarters
B'Elanna and Seven rush each other suddenly, flinging each other's clothes off left and right
"Seven, why are we doing this?"
"Don't you know?"
"Because we're in love?"
"I am. Are you?"
"Well, duh. Of course I am. Oooo I always wondered what your implants looked like under the suit."
"Now you know. Do you like them?"
"Absolutely. Hey, that's cool! Do it again!"
"Like this?"
"Yeah, now do it to me."
"I do not know..."
"Comply!"
"Yes, B'Elanna."
"SEEEEVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNNNN!!" Rachel writes herself out, a huge blush marring the wall before she goes
Insert your wildest fantasies here
Fin